EZ_Gizzy
09-17-99, 02:14 PM
‘Twas a bitter damned night I can tell you that for nothing friends and neighbours. The heavens had opened up and decided that ole Gizzi needed a soaking good and proper. The ground was breaking up and small streams were forming in the slopes. So there I am wandering around those sparse monster infested hills thinking “Gizzi, if you don’t find shelter soon my old son, you are gonna be one seriously drowned halfling!”
The problem was though, this desolate hilly moor was not exactly the sorta place you would associate with finding a warm dry inn run by some jolly fat man called Otis. More your sort of small ditch with an armed family of trolls who though halfling kebabs were are real treat on a rainy day kinda place all in all. So whilst I’m looking for a place to shelter, I’m also being fairly discreet about searching. However after a few hours of stumbling around in the dark and wet Id become fairly convinced standing up and shouting “Tasty halfling stuck in the mud!” and taking a hot bath in a troll cooking pot would be a good idea, when all of a sudden I find this narrow cave entrance.
Well, I’m in there faster than a dwarf enters a gold mine with a sign outside saying free beer and pick axes. Wasn’t the most comfortable place as caves go, but there was no wind and rain, and it felt like a palace fit for a thief to my cold and wet bones. Now I’m a fairly experienced traveler and my fire making gear was wrapped in a treated leather, but nevertheless it was as wet as a fish’s mouth, and twice as hard to get a light from. So I’m resigning myself to a meal of cold wet biscuit when all of a sudden I hear a shuffle behind me. Now my guts cant decide if they want to jump out my ass or my mouth and whilst they are busy pulling ‘emselves in two different directions I spin and draw my rapier ready to do battle with whatever demon from hell this soggy realm has to offer. Well bugger me if I’m not facing the ugliest looking face I ever did see.
It belonged to a critter bout a few inches taller an’ me, with a face that looked like an ugly old man had been punched so much his head had swollen up to twice the size. He had fists almost as big as his head, shoulders that seemed to be unsure where they should stop and let the head begin, and worst of all, it was as naked as can be. This fiend opens its mouth, revealing one single fang off to the side of its face, and just when I think I’m about to get gummed to death, this thing screams out loud “I want my mummy!”.
Now as battle cries go, this was not the most gut wrenching that I had heard. In fact it is safe to say that on a scale of one to impressed I was in the low fractions. Now I’m not a nasty fellow, so I backs off a little and tries to get my wits about me.
“Errr … Hello” I says “Bad weather for it eh?”. That’s me see, expert conversationalist even under stress. Well my excuse was I was tired and scared so bad Id pissed my pants dry again.
“What’s weather?” says my ugly roommate. Which is not a good start to a conversation I think you can agree. So I tries to rally at this point and regain my Dignity. I returns my rapier to its scabbard and steps forward and introduces myself.
“My Name is Gizzi, I’m a halfling warrior from Rivervale. Who might you be my friend?”
“Dunno” says prune face. “Don’t fink I got a name”.
“Everyone has a name” says I, “What does everyone else call you?”
“Dunno, never met anyone else. You are the first person I met!” he shrugged, “Will you be my friend?”
Now its becoming quite obvious that my less than pretty companion is not the brightest star in the sky, and could well be suffering an illness or from some spell that robs him / her or it of its wits. So being the kind and considerate soul that I am I decide to try diplomacy.
“Listen brickbrain” I begins in a friendly manner, “Looks like we are spending the night together here to shelter from the storm, so why not just say we leave each other alone, and I will sleep over here, and you can be weird and dribble over there. How bout it?”
Well the only thing that I get in response is an even bigger grin from the wrinkled up face. “New friend is funny. I like new friend.” Says Mr. Lightning Wit.
“Ok” I says, “I give up, lets just go to sleep and leave in the morning if the weather has cleared.” And I begin to unroll my bed.
“Leave? I never leave. Always been here. Been here forever” pronounces my new friend. “Dis is ….” And he began to struggle for words, “eerrrr… Home! Yeah, dat right, dis is home for me! Never left.”
“You have never ever left this cave?” I asks in a horrified voice. I mean this guy is no court attendee in the making, but id not wish an eternity in this cramped cave on anyone. “Why do you not leave?” I asks.
“Cant” says he. And he points to a rope at his feet. Well friends and neighbours let me tell you, a more fiendish piece of magic I had not seen. This rope was magically attached to the creature at one end, and to the floor of the cave at the other.
Now I felt for this poor creature you understand. I mean, imprisoned in a cave and robbed of your wits is a harsh punishment for anyone. So I draw my rapier and says “Ok, well you maybe the ugliest thing ive met this month, but you are my roommate and noone messes with my roomy.” And with that I cut at the rope. I don’t know what I expected, but I got no resistance whatsoever. The rope falls away, severed clean and true. “Ok” I says, “you are free.”
When all of a sudden the world began to end. The cave began to move, the floor shook, and we were both throw harshly forward. An unholy scream erupted from outside as if some monstrosity was raging at the gods themselves. Well it was fortunate for me that id already wet my trousers once already and had nothing else to drop, ‘cos I may have bust a hole in me britches at that point I can tell you. I grabs my friend and back away from the cave entrance. I’m hoping whatever is out there is too big to come in, but I’m taking no chances.
Then before I could react the back wall of the cave slams into us both from behind and begins to push us slowly forward to the entrance, and the fiend lying in wait without. I’m digging my legs in and pushing my back at the wall screaming at my friend to do the same, all the time praying to Bristlebane and trying to explain some of the finer points of having a laugh going a little to far. But push as I might, I cannot slow the undeniable pressure from behind. And with a sudden jolt we are both thrown from the cave and drop to the hard earth below. My head hit hard and I felt a sudden lightness in my eyes.
As the shadow of a great creature fell over me I had time to think that it was ironic that the rain had stopped. And as I began to loose my self to the deep sleep of senselessness I heard a loud exclamation from the fiend that hovered like a great shadow in my side vision.
“Oi Marg, the good news is you’ve ‘ad twins! The bad news is dat dis small one is de ugliest looking ogre I ‘av ever seen!”
======================================
Gizzi, world first Ogre baby warrior.
The problem was though, this desolate hilly moor was not exactly the sorta place you would associate with finding a warm dry inn run by some jolly fat man called Otis. More your sort of small ditch with an armed family of trolls who though halfling kebabs were are real treat on a rainy day kinda place all in all. So whilst I’m looking for a place to shelter, I’m also being fairly discreet about searching. However after a few hours of stumbling around in the dark and wet Id become fairly convinced standing up and shouting “Tasty halfling stuck in the mud!” and taking a hot bath in a troll cooking pot would be a good idea, when all of a sudden I find this narrow cave entrance.
Well, I’m in there faster than a dwarf enters a gold mine with a sign outside saying free beer and pick axes. Wasn’t the most comfortable place as caves go, but there was no wind and rain, and it felt like a palace fit for a thief to my cold and wet bones. Now I’m a fairly experienced traveler and my fire making gear was wrapped in a treated leather, but nevertheless it was as wet as a fish’s mouth, and twice as hard to get a light from. So I’m resigning myself to a meal of cold wet biscuit when all of a sudden I hear a shuffle behind me. Now my guts cant decide if they want to jump out my ass or my mouth and whilst they are busy pulling ‘emselves in two different directions I spin and draw my rapier ready to do battle with whatever demon from hell this soggy realm has to offer. Well bugger me if I’m not facing the ugliest looking face I ever did see.
It belonged to a critter bout a few inches taller an’ me, with a face that looked like an ugly old man had been punched so much his head had swollen up to twice the size. He had fists almost as big as his head, shoulders that seemed to be unsure where they should stop and let the head begin, and worst of all, it was as naked as can be. This fiend opens its mouth, revealing one single fang off to the side of its face, and just when I think I’m about to get gummed to death, this thing screams out loud “I want my mummy!”.
Now as battle cries go, this was not the most gut wrenching that I had heard. In fact it is safe to say that on a scale of one to impressed I was in the low fractions. Now I’m not a nasty fellow, so I backs off a little and tries to get my wits about me.
“Errr … Hello” I says “Bad weather for it eh?”. That’s me see, expert conversationalist even under stress. Well my excuse was I was tired and scared so bad Id pissed my pants dry again.
“What’s weather?” says my ugly roommate. Which is not a good start to a conversation I think you can agree. So I tries to rally at this point and regain my Dignity. I returns my rapier to its scabbard and steps forward and introduces myself.
“My Name is Gizzi, I’m a halfling warrior from Rivervale. Who might you be my friend?”
“Dunno” says prune face. “Don’t fink I got a name”.
“Everyone has a name” says I, “What does everyone else call you?”
“Dunno, never met anyone else. You are the first person I met!” he shrugged, “Will you be my friend?”
Now its becoming quite obvious that my less than pretty companion is not the brightest star in the sky, and could well be suffering an illness or from some spell that robs him / her or it of its wits. So being the kind and considerate soul that I am I decide to try diplomacy.
“Listen brickbrain” I begins in a friendly manner, “Looks like we are spending the night together here to shelter from the storm, so why not just say we leave each other alone, and I will sleep over here, and you can be weird and dribble over there. How bout it?”
Well the only thing that I get in response is an even bigger grin from the wrinkled up face. “New friend is funny. I like new friend.” Says Mr. Lightning Wit.
“Ok” I says, “I give up, lets just go to sleep and leave in the morning if the weather has cleared.” And I begin to unroll my bed.
“Leave? I never leave. Always been here. Been here forever” pronounces my new friend. “Dis is ….” And he began to struggle for words, “eerrrr… Home! Yeah, dat right, dis is home for me! Never left.”
“You have never ever left this cave?” I asks in a horrified voice. I mean this guy is no court attendee in the making, but id not wish an eternity in this cramped cave on anyone. “Why do you not leave?” I asks.
“Cant” says he. And he points to a rope at his feet. Well friends and neighbours let me tell you, a more fiendish piece of magic I had not seen. This rope was magically attached to the creature at one end, and to the floor of the cave at the other.
Now I felt for this poor creature you understand. I mean, imprisoned in a cave and robbed of your wits is a harsh punishment for anyone. So I draw my rapier and says “Ok, well you maybe the ugliest thing ive met this month, but you are my roommate and noone messes with my roomy.” And with that I cut at the rope. I don’t know what I expected, but I got no resistance whatsoever. The rope falls away, severed clean and true. “Ok” I says, “you are free.”
When all of a sudden the world began to end. The cave began to move, the floor shook, and we were both throw harshly forward. An unholy scream erupted from outside as if some monstrosity was raging at the gods themselves. Well it was fortunate for me that id already wet my trousers once already and had nothing else to drop, ‘cos I may have bust a hole in me britches at that point I can tell you. I grabs my friend and back away from the cave entrance. I’m hoping whatever is out there is too big to come in, but I’m taking no chances.
Then before I could react the back wall of the cave slams into us both from behind and begins to push us slowly forward to the entrance, and the fiend lying in wait without. I’m digging my legs in and pushing my back at the wall screaming at my friend to do the same, all the time praying to Bristlebane and trying to explain some of the finer points of having a laugh going a little to far. But push as I might, I cannot slow the undeniable pressure from behind. And with a sudden jolt we are both thrown from the cave and drop to the hard earth below. My head hit hard and I felt a sudden lightness in my eyes.
As the shadow of a great creature fell over me I had time to think that it was ironic that the rain had stopped. And as I began to loose my self to the deep sleep of senselessness I heard a loud exclamation from the fiend that hovered like a great shadow in my side vision.
“Oi Marg, the good news is you’ve ‘ad twins! The bad news is dat dis small one is de ugliest looking ogre I ‘av ever seen!”
======================================
Gizzi, world first Ogre baby warrior.