View Full Version : Our wedding.... actually, my parents... !@#$
Let me begin this by saying that this rant is 16 months in the making. My fiancee and I were engaged on Memorial Day weekend, 2002, and the crap immediately started. It's supposed to be the happiest time of your life... you're marrying your best friend, your love, your lifetime partner... and in that way, yes it is the happiest time. But why do the relatives have to make it such a trying time.....
I come from a dysfunctional family. I know that word is thrown around a lot, but seriously... my family is the epitome of dysfunction. I am an only child... Mom and Bio-Dad weren't married. Mom left Bio-Dad when I was 3, because he developed a mental disorder and she couldn't handle it. We were alone until I was 5, when she met my stepdad. Her and stepdad married when I was 7, and are still together today ( I'm now 28 ). I'm not going to get into childhood details, but let's just say that my childhood was a gigantic wreck due to the entire family's use of drugs, alcohol, and other things. I am the only one in my immediate family (Mom, Dad, her 2 brothers, Dad's sister, 5-6 cousins) that hasn't used drugs or been in drug-alcohol rehab. Even my Stepdad's daughter has been married 3 times and has 3 kids, one by each dad, and just announced she's marrying her 4th. She's not even 30 years old. I will say, my mom and dad, as well as most of the rest of the family, are clean and sober now. But it affected my childhood, and it's something that I still have trouble dealing with.
So yeah, my family's really screwed up. People don't get married in my family, they get knocked up and go to the JP. Hence everyone's surprise when I announced I was getting married and having a REAL WEDDING. And I didn't even get knocked up first!!
We started planning fairly quickly, but immediately set the date for September 20th, 2003. We planned for everything to be in my home town in Wisconsin. We knew this would be hard (we live in Nebraska), but we did this thinking that it was the "right" thing to do. My parents, upon hearing our engagement, said they would do anything they could to help and they would pay for everything. (Keep this in mind for later on).
Well, trying to plan a long-distance wedding turned out to be utter hell. I'd ask my parents to help with things, they wouldn't do it. I'd ask them to research caterers, or I'd give them a name of a vendor and ask them to go check them out. It wouldn't be done. We drove there one weekend in October 2002 with the intent of getting some things squared away. We made more headway that weekend than my parents had for the last 4 months, but we still decided Screw It, we're getting married in Nebraska. My parents were hesitant, but they said that was fine, they'd come regardless. Well, I should say my DAD said that was fine.
My mother has a LOT of issues. She's sick mentally, physically, emotionally. I could fill pages and pages about her. I have no sympathy because she's brought it all on herself (including the physical part). After we decided on the Nebraska wedding she suddenly came down with a fear of travelling. She refuses to fly, refuses to take a train or bus and refuses to ride in an automobile to any place further than the store and WalMart (5 miles away). So, since I've moved the wedding here all I've been hearing is that she will "try" to get here. My dad says not to count on her being here. Her brothers say if she doesn't come, they are done with her because she's just doing it for attention. I have every reason to believe she has Munchausen's... she thinks every little ache, pain, or anything is a new disorder. I can't even list the amount of ailments she's gone in to the doctor for over the past 10 years. Her newest thing (just a couple days ago) is that she believes that she has Diabetes... but that is because my grandmother was diagnosed with Adult-onset diabetes and was recently put on Insulin to help control it. All of a sudden, my mom has been freaking about it. She even borrowed my uncle's blood sugar monitor so she can test herself... several times a day. Her blood sugar's fine according to the monitor, but she now believes she should keep testing it "just in case".
Another Mom issue... my Maid of Honor. We are only having 1 person stand up with us on each side, and I knew fairly quickly who that was going to be (a friend of mine from work, we have known each other for 4 years and she's wonderful). However, my mother wanted my cousin to be my Maid of Honor. I rarely see my cousin, not because of any hatred or malice, but because we live far away from each other and have separate lives. She's my age, has 3 kids, and lives about 9 hours away from me. I told my mother that my friend was going to stand up with me. Mom complained, called my fiancee and complained, brought it up every time she talked to me... she said my cousin "has nothing" and this would put some joy into her life (apparently her 3 kids, wonderful husband, new house, and being blessed with being a stay-at-home mom with her kids doesn't bring joy to her life?). My Mom said that her "vision" of my wedding was my cousin and I standing at the front, and no one else... and I had to do it because "that's all she's ever wanted for my wedding". (she has used the phrase "all I ever wanted" at least 10 times so far, by the way). I put my foot down and said no... Mom hung up the phone on me and didn't talk to me for a week.
Mom's always identified with my cousin more than me... my cousin went through the same drug/alcohol problems my Mom did, and even went to the same AA/NA meetings. Mom's said many times that she considers her her daughter. She also loves her because she had kids early in life (first one at 17). Mom has hounded me constantly since my cousin's first was born that I need to have kids. I even heard, "You don't even have to date anyone... just get pregnant, I'll take care of the baby". I swear to Jebus.
Well, I found out through several sources that my Mom had called my cousin herself and asked her to be my Maid of Honor. She had been calling her often, talking to her about the wedding, talking about what she would wear, etc. She barely talks to me about the wedding, but she carried on with my cousin. So, I had to call my cousin, tell her what happened and explain that no, she wasn't Maid of Honor. It was a horrible call that I should have never had to be made. My cousin wasn't upset.. she knows my mom and figured since I hadn't said anything about it, it wasn't true.
When my Mom did call back, she was whiny and said that my friend was nobody to me, nothing, and that my cousin is family... I should always pick family. I stood my ground, and told her how pissed I was that she ASKED my cousin to stand up at my wedding. She still, STILL talks about how my cousin should stand up and how I'm making a mistake... with only 2 weeks to go. I'm seriously afraid she's going to do or say something to my Maid of Honor at the wedding... I really am. We do have a security guard available and Mom will be thrown out if anything happens.
She tries to give me ideas for the wedding once in a while, but they're always insane. She believes we should entertain everyone that's driving in from out of town. We should be available to greet them when they get into town, they should be able to see us and talk to us. We should invite everyone that's coming to the wedding to the rehearsal dinner (80+). She doesn't care that my fiancee's parents are paying for it, she says they should realize that it's a big expense and that everyone should be there. She believes we should buy expensive gifts for everyone as a thank you for coming to the wedding. She believes my entire reception should be Monkees songs, because I "liked them when I was a child". I told her no, and no Monkees songs will be played. She said she'll force the DJ to play them. I told her I will give the DJ a picture of her and tell them not to take her requests... she just laughed maniacally. Everything that I have mentioned to her concerning the wedding has been wrong, or tacky, or just plain "not the way she would do it". And I'm not having a weird wedding by any means... getting married in a historic house, wearing a white dress, carrying a bouquet, etc. I showed her a picture of my dress and her reaction was "That's not really your dress, is it?" Thanks Mom.
I won't go into my stepdad here, because this is FAR too long already. Let's just say he's an enabler and a "Yes Dear" type. He's also the biggest braggard I know.
And for those that think my parents should get some say, since they are paying for the wedding.... they haven't paid me a dime since they said they would pay for "everything" over a year ago. I have talked to my dad several times about it, and he keeps telling me he'll have the money. We've gotten nothing, and in fact have used up money that we had earmarked for a down payment on a house. We have kept our wedding small and inexpensive, but it's still eating up our money. If I would have known this a year ago, I would have done things differently.
(just today, my mom called and said that whatever plan my dad had for paying for our wedding "didn't go through", so he was trying something else.... this after my dad called and bragged to my fiance about how he had gotten a huge raise and is now making more than the 2 of us combined.)
Oh, and did I mention... the Bio-Dad with the mental disorder, who hasn't been in my life at all, has decided he's coming to the wedding so he can walk me down the aisle. Stepdad isn't happy about that. I told my parents that to save all the drama I just want to walk down by myself... well, that's caused even more drama. So I haven't decided what to do about that yet.
One light note of all of this.... my in-laws are the most amazing people ever. I couldn't be more blessed. So we're focusing on the in-laws more and trying to enjoy the positive vibes... all the while trying to shoo out the negative vibes. My future Mother-in Law talked to my mom for over an hour the other day, and immediately wrote my fiance an email saying that she believes she should go to in-patient psychotherapy. And she's a mental health nurse, so I guess my thoughts and feelings aren't totally unfounded.
So to recap this, as a reminder to all you future brides, grooms, etc.
1. - If your family is as dysfunctional as mine is, seriously consider how you are handling your wedding. Realize that bringing people together for an event isn't going to CHANGE anything that's going on in your family. You won't be magically reuniting everyone and changing all the crazy relatives into "normal" people. All you're doing is coagulating them in one small area.
2. - If you have a dysfunctional mother, don't include her in anything.
3. - Vegas, St. Thomas, San Juan... those are all nice options.
You should just have a shotgun wedding...where you carry the shotgun. "They will come back, come back again, as long as the Red Earth rolls. He never wasted a tree or a leaf, why should he squander souls?"
09-02-03, 12:42 PM
Good luck to you, Dorla. It sounds to me that you're strong and have good people backing you, so it won't end up being a huge problem.
On a side note, luckily for me my sister is 100% guaranteed to be married before me (if I ever do) so I can react appropriately to what my mom went berserk over. Too bad that's not an option for you. =\
09-02-03, 12:43 PM
Dorla... you're a genius!
Security at the wedding - that sounds like a DAMN fine idea when I decide to start planning... of course I'd have to dress them like pirates so that they fit in with my theme wedding ARR!
Put it this way - all sorts of horrible things could happen at my wedding if I were to put my mother, her fiancee, my brother, my father, my stepmother, my father's relations, my mother's relations, and my future father-in-law into the same room.
Without going into what sounds like a soap opera - Dad has never forgiven my mother for divorcing him, nor does he seem to realize that the problem was his verbally abusive nature, not my mother's fiancee "stealing her" or my mom "cheating on him" (side note: the divorce was 20 years ago, and my father STILL can't let it go)
My brother does not speak to my father - nor do I if I can help it - my father cannot figure out that the problem is him, yet again.
Most of my father's blood relations do not speak to him anymore - again... it's always someone else's fault, not his.
My stepmother will always take my father's side - so there's not much hope in her telling him to shut up and not make a scene.
My boyfriend said of my father after the first (and he hopes last) meeting - "I've never met anyone that was intentionally spiteful before..." My father will always take the opposite of your viewpoint in a conversation, just to try to goad you into a heated arguement... even if you agree with what he just said, he will then say that he believes the opposite.
My future father-in-law hasn't met my dad yet - this should be interesting to see whether my dad gets knocked out cold by a guy half his size... cause you don't mess with "Jim" (not his name, but I couldn't pass up the Jim Croce reference)
Now, I know what you're saying - "Just don't invite your father..." It might just come to that, but I'd have to make sure that there was absolutely no way he could ever find/contact me again. Come on - he once left his new business card on my car - which was parked at the time two blocks away from my house, rather than just putting it in my mailbox or something - so that I would call him. I told him NEVER to do that again, that it was creepy like having a stalker. (Back In Black)
Veteran Delissandra Splitshadow - Half-Elven Assassin
Grandmaster Poisoner (250), Master Potter (188), Grandmaster Lush (200)
Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm beatin' the flack
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
09-02-03, 12:59 PM
You sound like you've got a handle on it. Disfunctional familys are bad. (Had a girlfriend once who's father's (I think) side of the family wouldn't come to her HS graduation because there would be metal detectors.)
From just reading what you've said, 1. Plan on no money from family. If they get it to you, it's a bonus, not an expected. 2. Let your stepfather walk you down the isle. It sounds like, for better or for worse, he had a signifigant hand in your raising and probably deserves the honor. It doesn't sound like your bio-father deserves it at all. 3. Allow your mother to attend. Point her out to the security guard. Point the security guard out to her. Make sure there is an understanding.
This is your day, and if your parents didn't contribute any money before the fact they have very little ground to have any say, (though as those who raised you I would allow them things that do not directly contradict what you want). --------------------------
Gyorg Lavode, The original Phin-o-matic Safehouse Moderator
Unguilded Assassin Badass
of the 65th Moon over Xegony
09-02-03, 02:11 PM
I'm glad I could dodge all the disfunction in my family. I didn't invite two of my uncles. I also didn't need to hire security, we invited them as guests (my wife works in law enforcement)!
I agree with Gyorg's advice. Particularly (3). If your family wants something and you are indifferent, don't worry about it. If they want something and you are opposed, it is YOUR wedding.
09-02-03, 04:36 PM
I can only say that I think what Gyorg said is good advice, and just to throw in some wisdom that I've picked up from my mother. She still rememberes every detail about how her mother in-law "@#%$ the whole thing up" but she said it wasn't worth stressing over as much as she did.
So while I don't AT ALL want to come off like I'm saying your wedding is not a big deal, worry about what is important, and only that, I guess is my advice.
09-02-03, 05:14 PM
Yeesh. If I ever get married, it's gonna be completely without ceremony or party of any sort.
Lots of good luck, though, I hope things turn out well. "Scis, semper cogitabam unicornes erunt prodigii, atque?"
"Itaque," dixit unicornis,"si tu mihi accredideris, ego tibi accredam."
09-02-03, 05:23 PM
Your mom scares me, and weddings are teh debil. Not to claim the status of a "real professional" in any one endeavor has been a small price to pay for the many benefits and pleasures of trespassing. ~Leo Lionni
09-02-03, 05:45 PM
Don't be a wedding hater! Done right with cool people and they can be the best parties!
Sorry your family is making it rough :(
Two friends of mine got married in 2001. It was the second marriage for both of them, and they had both been through the big wedding thing before. This time they decided that they wanted to do something that wasn't a hassle, so they booked a vacation to Jamaica. You're required to be in country for 24 hours before you can be married there, but that's about the only restriction. They got married on a dock on a small private beach. Two people whom they met thier first day down there (who were also down there to get married) agreed to witness for them spur of the moment. The pictures are to die for. It had rained about 20 minutes before hand and had quickly cleared up, so all of the haze was gone and the pictures are crystal clear. When they got home, they sent pictures to everyone and had a small party for close friends and family.
I've told them both that if/when I'm ready to marry someone that I'm bringing her over and having them convince.. err tell my bride to be about their experience and that we should do the same thing.
EDIT: Huk'd on fonicks. Wraine aka "The Spine Tickler!"
"It has.. It has a meter that is tricky. A little wicky wacky wicky..."Edited by: Wraine at: 9/2/03 6:27 pm
A friend of mine got married recently. Her family tried to hijack the wedding. They wanted a big church wedding and were making a big fuss about it. Unfortunately she had very definate plans about where to hold the wedding. Being a stubborn person she of course won. Which goes to show that the old saying "Never argue with a shinkicker" still holds true... uh, ok so maybe it isn't an old saying but it should be! Either way, she did put her foot down (literally) and got her way and had a very nice ceremony that turned out a lot more fun than a big church wedding would have been.
It's your wedding which is supposed to be your special day. And the groom's of course. If other people want to make demands on how it's to be done they can get married themselves. And hey, if they ain't paying for it either... Really, a bit of shin kicking can take you a long way. Good luck on the wedding, don't let it stress ya out too much.
09-02-03, 07:11 PM
/jots down in his notebook
Heed the advice of the wise one!
09-03-03, 03:46 AM
Dorla...your husband-to-be is a saint. Seriously, though.
All screwed up families have to have at least one normal kid for irony's sake, and it looks like you pulled the lucky *****. Don't feel guilty for being stern with your mother. Sounds like your mom didn't have HER big wedding day, so she's trying to live it through you. This is YOUR big day...you do what you want, darlin, and CONGRATS on getting hitched.
Edit: Gooood grammar... Edited by: Kaielen at: 9/3/03 3:48 am
Damn, thanks for all the good advice. To all that suffered through my long post, I salute you.
We do have a handle on things... but I definitely have my rough days. It's all about channeling your anger into pity. When Mom says something about my cousin, I try not to get angry but rather think, "It's sad that my cousin is the only person she thinks about". It's easier said than done though, and many times I've hung up the phone and am ready to punch a few walls.
I think I got lucky, in that my grandmother (bio-dad's mom) has been my "mom" all my life. When the family was going through crappy times I spent a LOT of time at her house, learning about cooking and gardening, and enjoying her company. She's absolutely fantastic, but I live 8 hours away from her now which saddens me. I talk to her as much as I can though, and she'll be at the wedding.
And yes, my fiance has been a rock through all this. He really helps to bring some fresh eyes to the situation and assures me that I am doing the right things when I have tough decisions to make.
So yeah... in a little over 2 weeks I'll report back with what happened. If we get any crazy Deathmatch photos I'll be sure to post them.
09-03-03, 07:06 AM
Can I have some cake? Make sure to pay close attention when you throw that bouquet too...there are always some cheap elbows and eye gouges during that part. You're wedding will be great, Dorla. You've nothing to worry about!
09-03-03, 09:22 AM
Oh, dear, Dorla, you done just got me started on wedding crap again. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOO empathize with you, and I'm only about 3 months into my wedding planning. 8 more months to go. /sigh
My 'best in laws in the world' turned into the devils themselves and I swear I have no idea what happened and what made them change. Before the wedding planning ball gained momentum, they were truly the best in laws anyone could ever ask for. Frankly, sometimes I miss being "just a girlfriend." What stabs me harder is, my own mother and family hasn't whispered a peep as to what my wedding 'should be' however, my soon to be in laws, who aren't forking over a single penny is telling me who I need to invite and this and that. Worse yet, my soon to be sister in law's husband's niece also recently got engaged (after me mind you,) and she's rambling on and on about her wedding and this and that. Like I give a rat's ass about some other rich girl's wedding when I'm trying to figure out how to pay for mine, and additional guests I've never met and don't want there! She starts saying things like "oooh you guys can plan your wedding together, oh won't that be interesting if she has her wedding the same weekend as yours?" ARGH! Biatch had better not! First of all, I don't know her. Why the hell would I want to plan my wedding with her? Second of all, I got engaged 2 months before she did, and set my date 2 months before she did. I will rip her dress like a beauty queen and Shaolin Kung Fu her ass if she picked her wedding date to 'coincide' with mine. My fiance saw how upset I was that I had to "share" my special day with some spoiled rich twerp and called his sister and asked her to be sensitive to our struggling to pay for our own wedding and asked her to not mentioned Cassie's wedding anymore. Knowing that, I don't even mention it to her when talking to her on the phone (the sister is also one of my bridesmaids) about my wedding, but noooooooo, she still has to bring it up and it ends up upsetting me. I'm wondering how the hell we're gonna pay our photographer, and here she is telling me how Cassie's gonna have her reception at daddy's country club. Like any bride wants to hear about how fabulous someone else's wedding is.
Oh, and wedding party drama? We've got that too! I've always wanted my best friend from 7th grade to be my maid of honor. So I asked her the day after I got engaged. She agreed. My fiance asked one of his good friends to be best man. He agreed. A few weeks later, I asked his sister to be one of my bridesmaids because she's always been wonderful to me and has always been a cheerleader for us. She's called me her sister way before my fiance ever popped the question. It just seemed natural to ask her to stand up for me as well. Well that's when sh*t hit the roof. Because his sister is in the wedding party, his mom said his brother had to be his groomsman because it'd be an insult to him otherwise. Mind you, he rarely sees his brother, and doesn't even talk to him much even when they do see each other. It's not that they don't get along, they're just not close. My fiance had someone else in mind he wanted to be his groomsman but he ended up having to have his brother instead because otherwise, "it'd cause rifts in the family because the sister in law would think we're a clique and we're excluding them in our activities." Yeah...the sister in law who never ever calls us to even say hello much less make an effort to be a part of our lives... Somehow it went from our wedding, our special day, which we are forking EVERY SINGLE PENNY for, into a family political podium. He ended up asking his brother to be a groomsman, but not to appease his mother, but rather because he did want to.
I've always wanted a fairy tale wedding. Most women do. Now, if we hadn't already dumped thousands on this wedding I would've just friggin eloped. Hell, half the time I wouldn't mind if we just cut our losses now and elope, but the fiance won't have it. He knows I'll regret it if we did. I can't wait till this whole circus is over.
I swear, weddings are anything but happy if you're involved in it. Edited by: Nyssa Rainwhisper at: 9/3/03 9:36 am
09-03-03, 11:56 AM
Hey, maybe if that other chick does have it on the same day, you'd be able to ditch those extra guests you never wanted in the first place, since they're related to that side of the family and would likely go to hers instead?
09-03-03, 12:12 PM
I'm over the other chick now. She's already set her date to be almost exactly a month after mine, and my fiance have pretty much told me he doesn't want to attend which is just fine with me. In an odd way, I hoped that she would. Then I'll know who are the important people in my life and give me the perfect license to ignore those who aren't.
I still don't want to hear about the other chick's wedding though. I just don't care to hear about her daddy's country club when I'm struggling to pay for the most basic things. I just don't understand why my fiance's sister insists on talking about her even after she's been told I don't want to hear it.
09-04-03, 03:25 AM
Nyssa, the answer to your question is...
Some people are really @#%$ stupid.
Let the little rich bitch have her country club air head wedding. You get sloppy drunk and get into a cake fight with your hubby and have fun. Also make sure to mention how you don't need anyone to hold your hand when it comes to something important like planning a wedding. By doing things yourself and paying for them on your own you have 1000 times the integrity.
09-04-03, 05:45 AM
Screw weddings. I planned my elope-ing in one month and had a kickass reception for 100 people afterward. I don't think we spent more than $5000, including the open bar tab. I had a boquet do DIE for, and an awesome dinner cooked beforehand by me and 5 people. I barely had to do anything.
It was great But in the basement of some hole in the wall church.
I know this is totally unrelated, but spend as much time talking with your grandmother as you can. My grandma passed away in 2000, and I still wish I had called her and visited her more often.
09-04-03, 05:51 AM
Lost my grandma this year, Kin. I agree with you.
Nyssa, if you need someone to vent to just send me a message... I think we can both relate. Funny thing is, your story reminded me something that happened right in the beginning of our wedding planning. When we were still planning in Wisconsin, my mom started dropping hints that I should have a double wedding with my cousin. She thought it'd be cute and memorable, etc. Now, my cousin was already married, but had gone to the JP and didn't have a service. Mom thought she should have one... in other words, ride on my coattails and cash. No way - I put my foot down FAST on that one, but she persisted right up until I moved the wedding to Nebraska. I bet that would still be a bone of contention today. I had totally forgotten about that one, heh.
Quote:Because his sister is in the wedding party, his mom said his brother had to be his groomsman because it'd be an insult to him otherwise.
This is exactly why we are having 1 person stand up on each side... my best friend and his best friend. His brothers aren't in the wedding (and it doesn't bother them one bit), nobody on my side (I'm an only child). We knew that if we had his friend and brothers, then my cousins would "have" to be in the wedding... it would just be a gigantic snowball effect. 1 is plenty.
And yes, my grandmother is the best... I miss her terribly. Once we move into a house (hopefully in the next 6 months), I'll be sending her invites to come and stay with us once in a while... I love her so much and want to give her everything she gave me when I was a kid. She deserves everything I can give her and much, much more... I don't know what I'll do when her time comes.
Got our marriage license yesterday... woot!
For the love of all that's holy NEVER chat at The Knut. Those buzzards will tear you to shreds with all thier "Thou shalts..."
My wife deals with the crap trickling down from those whackjobs every day.
Glad your both finding the path you want to take, albeit a rough one due to family pressures. The best advice I ever got was "choose your battles." Sometimes giving up an insignificance can go a long way for your sanity.
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09-04-03, 07:13 AM
Kinda odd I'm reading more comments regarding grandmothers now because just last night I was just mentioning to my fiance how one of the biggest regrets and disappointments about our wedding is that my grandma and his dad won't be there to see it. My grandma was the staple of my childhood and she meant everything to me. I was hit the hardest in the family when she died in 1999. His dad was the coolest guy ever and I can't even go into what I would give to have just one dance with him at our wedding. It saddens me to think about it.
Dorla, I had originally only wanted 1 person stand up for each of us simply because ever since I moved to Colorado 10 years ago, I've yet to meet any good friends to have met the bar my best friend from 7th grade has set. It just all of a sudden dawned on me one day that I should have his sister as one of my bridesmaids because she really has been a cheerleader for us. She's been calling me her sister for the past few years and it just seemed natural and because they've always been very cool people (his mom and sister) I didn't think it would be an issue with his brother. I think the point wasn't so much that his brother would get his panties in a knot but more so of his brother's wife being a biatch, anal, and problematic. So to avoid any highly probable conflicts, my fiance's mother said the brother should be a groomsman. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Brothers are groomsmen all the time. What bothered me was that the 2 of them have never really been very close to each other, and when I said that I was going to have one more person in my wedding party, his first instinct wasn't his brother, but rather a decision between one of his friends or his brother in law. We went a whole week on that notion and he never once thought of his brother as an option. I'm of the opinion that your wedding party should know about you individually and as a couple, otherwise how can they "stand up for you?" His brother knew nothing about us. We never do anything with him. I even said to my fiance, "EQ and gaming is a huge part of our lives, but does your brother even know that we enjoy that?" The answer was no, but due to sheer politics, he had to seriously consider him and ended up asking the brother to be a groomsman for 2 reasons: A: to avoid further conflict and B: he remembered what it was like to be in his brother's wedding and felt honored so he felt he should return the honor which I think is OK I guess. But it still bothered me to no end that we had to have that dispute and the use of our wedding as a family political podium. It's like, take your fights elsewhere, especially when you're not paying a damn penny...know what I mean?
We still don't have a large wedding party. Just 2 for each of us. In a small tiny way, I kind of regret asking his sister to be a bridesmaid after the whole brother fiasco but in a way, I'm kind of glad she's in the wedding.
What would've been a small intimate ceremony has turned into a friggin circus where nearly his entire family of nieces and nephews are in the wedding somehow. His siblings are in the wedding party, 2 of his nephews are ushers, one of his nieces is my personal attendant (she and I get along pretty well so I thought it'd be fun for her), another one of his nieces is in charge of the guest book, and 2 of his other nephews has a misc duty that's intended to be a surprise for me from his sister. All I know is, over my dead body will I be buying gifts for all of them. I don't consider them part of the wedding party. I only plan on getting a charm bracelet for my bridesmaid, and maybe a pair of diamond or pearl earrings for my best friend. Maybe I'll consider getting a gift for the personal attendant, but it won't be anything more than maybe a picture frame with our names and wedding date engraved on it and a wedding photo.
09-05-03, 12:29 PM
Plan your wedding exactly the way you want (maid of honor, location, walking down aisle, etc.)
Invite who you want
Let the people that don't like it deal Jolla Petbane, level 65 Enchanter
Craftie Snowdog, level 57 Rogue
09-07-03, 08:12 PM
Just leave your family. If they casue to much stress and negative feelings, then they're just not worth it. I left mine at 16 and I have never looked back or regretted it. It's just me and my SO now. Morrighan Sneakypants - Redeemed Gnomish Deciever
250 Make Poison, 203 Tinkering, 180 Smithing - [magelo]
09-08-03, 08:44 AM
Wedding stress aside, I love my family and his family. No single family is without argument or is perfect. Our families doesn't suck so much that it warrants disowning them. They've been there for us and I trust that they will continue to be. A few disagreements during wedding planning is to be expected, and not worth causing permenant damage over. Stressful, and annoying? Yes, but whose family isn't?
Additionally, we both want our children to have access to their ancestors and family. That's important to us.
We have talked about shutting my parents out completely... and I think eventually that will happen. I don't visit as often as I used to, and they refuse to visit me (our wedding next weekend is the first time they've visited me since I left home 10 years ago). A few months ago I talked to my dad extensively about my mother's behavior, and he admitted she had some mental issues going on. Between myself, my mom's brothers and my dad, it was decided that Mom should be committed, at least for a brief time so they could do psych evaluations and try to figure out what's going on. Well, Dad never went through with it, citing being "too busy" and "too broke" (although the program would have been free). I think in many ways he's just as sick as she is and it'll never happen.
That being said, I am becoming more and more terrified of what she's going to do at the wedding. She hates my MOH even though she's never met her, likes to cause accidents so more attention is put on herself, and generally likes disrupting things. She's been going on and on about toasts and how we have to have champagne so toasts can be done. This makes me think she's going to get up and say something. Considering every birthday card the past 10 years includes a paragraph about an ex-boyfriend, or something I did when I was 5... this scares me. I don't think I can handle it if she gets up and does a speech about my ex-boyfriends and how they compare to my fiancee.. I wouldn't put it past her though.
I'm also kicking myself because our original plan was to have the mothers light our Unity Candles when they walked in. Knowing Mom, she'll set the building on fire. I mentioned it to her recently, and she shrugged it off and immediately went on a tirade about how I haven't asked my cousins to help with anything in the wedding. Uh... it's a 70-person wedding, there aren't exactly a lot of jobs. She's pissed because my fiancee's brothers are walking the moms down the aisle. 2 brothers, 2 mothers. It just worked out that way, and I don't have any brothers. My male cousins aren't even sure if they're going to show up, so why would I assign them anything? And of course, the usual dig about "I can't believe you haven't asked <female cousin> to be your <whatever the 'job of the day' is>".
I layed into her good last night because she decided to complain for the 5th time that I hadn't sent a wedding invite to a older friend of the family (who, by the way, wasn't on my mom's list of invitees). I said, "Mom, this is easily the 5th time you've mentioned this... there's nothing I can do about it now". She said, "I have NOT mentioned this before." I said, "Yes you did, just a couple days ago and you know it". I told her what's done is done, I can't send an invite now and she'll just have to suck it up. She just harumphed that one away... I'm sure it'll be brought up again in the next few days.
Yeah, it feels good to rant a bit. Only a week and a half more.... on one hand I can't wait for the wedding, on the other hand I can't wait for it to end. But I'm bound and determined not to let these things ruin it, no matter WHAT.
09-10-03, 08:45 AM
Hire wix to sit beside your Mother during the wedding and stand beside her during the reception!
LOL, Wix the "private bodyguard". Actually Nenjin is like 45 mins away... maybe I could con him with some free beer.
I'll regulate some family members! I love that @#%$! Everyone tells me I look like a hitman anyways in my good clothes.
09-10-03, 10:00 AM
Or you could have all 3 of us, Wix, Ninjin, and I, to stand around your family the whole time. I'd come as long as I get to dance a bit at the reception. Especially tango, though to tango you have to have a follower who knows how.
I'm easier to accomodate. Just pass me the booze and I'll make your disruptive family members feel like they're 6 inches tall.
@#%$, people... don't tempt me, heh.
Quote:I'd come as long as I get to dance a bit at the reception. Especially tango, though to tango you have to have a follower who knows how.
OMG Gyorg, you would be at home with us. We have been taking dance classes for over a year now... East Coast and West Coast Swing, Foxtrot, Waltz, Tango, and Polka. Tango was actually the one I thought I'd like the least, but I've only done it a couple months... we are getting more moves and it's becoming more fun. West Coast is the one we've had the most lessons in... I like it but I feel like a Soul Train dancer doing it with all the spins and whatnot.
09-10-03, 11:14 AM
I have taken most forms of swing, normal salsa and rumba, and Argentine tango and a bit of milongero along with the verious other things (fox trot, cha cha, Mambo, etc). Tango is by far my favorite, but it is extremely hard to find someone my age and around my height that is willing to learn it and keep at it.
EZ_Boddi the ranger
09-10-03, 12:20 PM
Dorla, you are a saint. You have to be to still be even talking to her. This is a once in a lifetime deal. Your personal Big Day. If you think ANYONE is going to come even close to ruining it, they shouldn't be there. Period. My ex-wife's parents hadn't talked to each other and refused to be in the same room for 10 years before our wedding. She told them in no uncertain terms to stay the hell away from us. You would be doing yourself a great disservice if you didn't do the same.
That said, i can also tango like a madman.
Here's today's conversation with Mom:
Mom: "So, hypothetically speaking, if someone were to bring some CD's they want played at your reception, do they just give them to the DJ?"
Dorla: ".... what??"
Mom: "I have music I want to be played that I don't think the DJ will have, I'm bringing it with."
Mom: (pouty) "But why?"
Dorla: "Do I really need to answer that? And dare I ask what kind of music?"
Mom: ".... just some music, it's a secret."
Mom: (more pouts) "Well, whatever." (which in Mom-speak means "I stopped paying attention and I'm doing it anyways".)
10 bucks says she was either thinking Monkees (which I mentioned in my first post.. argh), or Frank Zappa or something similar. I'm sure our families are just dying to listen to "Crew Slut" or "Broken Hearts Are For @#%$"!! Them's great dancin' tunes!!
The DJ's going to call me tomorrow to go over some details... I swear I'm gonna print up a big Wanted poster of her that he can post at his station.
One more week...
09-12-03, 01:13 PM
Heh, I know at my dad's wedding he specifically gave the DJ instructions not to take requests from ANYONE. Hell, the DJ asked my dad if it was ok for me to request a song, (brown eye'd girl, very fun and easy to dance to).
09-12-03, 01:33 PM
Quote:LOL, Wix the "private bodyguard". Actually Nenjin is like 45 mins away... maybe I could con him with some free beer.
LOL have you seen pics of Nenjin? He's not quite as intimidating as Wix. On that thought, Wix is only like about 30 minutes away from me. Say Wix..are you free next May?
I think we're gonna allow our DJ to accept requests from guests. We haven't gone through the playlist yet, but I reckon we'll have some songs flagged as "do not play" so we're not sitting at our reception with a sour look in our face thinking "WTF is that shiat!?!?!?"
My fiance and I nearly got married this week when I got pissed at his mother. I suggested that we just take half a day off, get our license and head downtown with his best man. He did manage to talk some sense into me and made me change my mind, but honestly, I think I would've done it with little regret...at least none that I would feel now. Who knows about 10 years from now. It felt good to hear him say, "f*ck the morons. I WANT to see you walk down the aisle in your dress and have OUR special day. If people are gonna be f*cktards, well, let's just cut them from the guest list, take the extra cash, and spend it frivolously on our honeymoon." I think even he was pissed at his mother a little. This whole thing has turned into a circus freak show and by hell or high water, even if we have to cut our guest list down to 2, just the best man and maid of honor, we're not putting up with it. Edited by: Nyssa Rainwhisper at: 9/12/03 1:41 pm
Well, we got through it somehow. Everything went surprisingly well, and my uncle... God bless him, he tempered the whole situation. Every time my Mom would do or say something questionable, he'd pull her aside or pull me away from her. He made sure that I knew that it was our day, not hers. She did give me some very embarassing gifts at the rehearsal dinner.. she made a necklace out of my baby teeth and then proceeded to tell everyone that she had kept my umbilical cord stump as well. Also, she bought me a pair of blue thong panties to wear under my dress, and when I wouldn't hold them up she did and threw them around the table. She was HEAVILY medicated... OMG. But, my uncle sat next to me the whole time and I kept my cool. I don't think my Mother in Law was real thrilled with her behavior either... but Mom did it to herself. I am in no way a reflection of her.
The wedding itself went off fine though... no worries. I'll post a pic once we get some back.
09-22-03, 06:38 AM
Woohoo congrats, Dorla!!
Where are you guys going off to for your honeymoon? Or are you guys doing that at a later date?
Actually we did it at an earlier date... we went on a cruise in March that served as our early honeymoon. However, we are taking a trip up to Minneapolis on Thursday to see Eddie Izzard and also hit the Mall of America. Just a short getaway... we can sure use it though.
09-22-03, 03:33 PM
Congratulations on your Marriage. And may you have many happy years together.
09-22-03, 05:22 PM
Congratulations to you and your husband.
I hope you'll have many.. many happy years ahead to cherish each other.
09-24-03, 03:14 AM
Congratulations to you, and good job making a good day out of the chaos.
Look at the bright side, you get lots of RL experience points out of pulling it off Ishwar - level 63 Barbarian Rogue - GM smith
09-24-03, 05:12 AM
Congradulations. I'm glad someone was there to temper the whole thing. --------------------------
Gyorg Lavode, The original Phin-o-matic Safehouse Moderator
Unguilded Assassin Badass
of the 65th Moon over Xegony
Welcome to the new world of raised toilet seats, cold feet, capless toothpaste and tax deductions!
Glad everything worked out for you in the end.
Nyssa's next on the chopping block. Muwahahahaha.
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Tá mo bhríste trí thine!
09-24-03, 08:06 AM
I don't know why I put off reading this thread until now. I usually read everything, even if I don't reply. Possibly my subconscious desire to put off thinking about my own wedding which is slated to be in December next year.
Yea Nyssa...my mother is trying to pull the same @#%$ with my brother being a groomsman. I'll be honest, I love my brother but he has put alot of his problems on my parents and made some REALLY bad decisions in life, and he's only 17. As it stands, I already have my Best Man and two Groomsmen and really didn't need another. I defused the brother situation by saying, 'Ok, fine...if around the wedding time I feel that I can trust Matt, I'll have him be one of my ushers.' The operative phrase is ONE. That way I can have my friends who are not groomsmen make sre everything goes smoothly as additional ushers.
Hey, while we're on the subject of groomsmen/Best Man, I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Huge one in fact and I'm actually gonna post it in a different thread so that A. I don't highjack yours, and B. It doesn't really specifically apply.
Congratulations Dorla, my favorite Irish Wedding Toast to you...
May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head,
May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you're dead. gnmish.gearbinder.ring.warden.sullon.zek
What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
09-24-03, 08:42 AM
Oh, believe me, Gnmish, I'm scared about our whole usher issue as well. To be fair, my fiance had to have one of his sister's son to be an usher and one of his brother's son to be the other usher. I'm perfectly fine with the sister's son being an usher. He's a good kid and has his head screwed on tight on his shoulder. His brother's son however, is literally a derelict.
A few years ago, that dumb*ss decided to evade the cops, led them in a car chase, eventually got arrested, and got thrown in the slammer just before Thanksgiving. Naturally, he couldn't make it to the family gathering. When he finally got out of the slammer, he can't seem to hold a job for longer than a month at a time no matter what job he got. I don't know about you, but I find it VERY difficult to trust someone like that to seat my mother at the most important day of my life. Bottom line is, he's a screw up. He's always been ever since I've known him. I just have a very hard time trusting someone like that to not screw up my wedding somehow.
I was very against having someone like that play a role in my wedding, but apparently I guess I don't have much say in it. What can I say when their retort is, "Zack has gotten better. He's over that now. You have to give someone a chance to repent in life." I agree that it's only fair to have a son from each brother usher, and they've already been asked, but I honestly do not feel comfortable with it at all.