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Nenjin
11-01-03, 01:09 AM
So there I am, pleasantly @#%$ up on Halloween, driving to someone's house, when my friend next to me gives me the most depressing news I've heard in a few years.

Him and his girlfriend are going to have a kid. Little background, they've never really been about protected sex, and they had one abortion already. I can't imagine what that was like for them. Now, she's pregnant again, and they've decided to have it.

I don't like the idea of abortion as an option very much, but I like the idea of what their life and their child's life could be even less. They don't make much. He works his ass off, she works 3 part time jobs. They don't have much money. Their in debt. They have just been through rocky times with each other, which I got to play marriage counselor for a lot of it. And now, well, they want to have a kid. He's not even 24 for @#%$'s sake. They are both my good friends since highschool, we've done lots of stuff together(boozed, drugged, partied). And since they've been together at their new appartment, about 2 years, you'd swear to god they were on the verge of breaking it off every day. They didn't like what the other wanted to do, they were snappy at each ALL THE TIME. No one wanted to be around them. He was depressed and cranky and frustrated, she was depressed, cranky, and frustrated.


And now, out of all of this mess, they actually WANT to have a kid. I can't tell if it's guilt about the previous abortion, or a genuine desire to have children and start a family. You'd have to be completely blind to see that they are not in great, good, or even adequate position emotionally, financially, in terms of their relationship, in terms of how much stress they are both already under......

It's a @#%$ situation, and I'm worried this will bring them both down, hard. The only consolation I have for them right now is my friend, the guy, his strong character, and him swearing to me he's going to do right by this. And I told him I'd support them regardless of what they chose to do. But I can't help feeling sad that another two of my friend's prematurely assasinated their lives, their security, a lot of things.
I hate watching people have kids before they're ready.
"They will come back, come back again, as long as the Red Earth rolls. He never wasted a tree or a leaf, why should he squander souls?"

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Dorla
11-01-03, 09:03 AM
Bleh... I have a great friend (my MOH actually) who has been trying to get pregnant for a year. She's had 1 miscarriage so far. Her and her husband have been married for a little over 2 years. Seeing children having children, that don't even WANT them, while she's currently unable to conceive... it gives me a big angry red face. :">

Does he have medical insurance? I assume she doesn't since she works 3 part-time jobs.... say hello to a $15,000 hospital bill when she gives birth (that's assuming no complications) plus all of her appointments prior (once a month until later in pregnancy whent they're once a week). Plus the baby's appointments after birth, diapers, crib, toys, clothes.. you get the point, and that's just the monetary stressors.

Can you suggest to them that they should speak to a counselor at Planned Parenthood? Maybe they would consider adoption? (not to mention, get to PP to get her on some friggin' BCP) If they want to do the "right thing", they need to do so in consideration of the child.

Oh yeah, and they better quit the boozing/drugging... she better have quit it already.

Quote:And now, out of all of this mess, they actually WANT to have a kid. I can't tell if it's guilt about the previous abortion, or a genuine desire to have children and start a family.

Most likely it's the thought that having a child will be "just the thing" their ailing relationship needs. We'll stay together for the baby, we'll be all lovey-dovey while cooing over our love child... all our problems will disappear! While that is a noble thought... you really think it's gonna change them?

Aidden
11-01-03, 09:52 AM
Grrrrr


Quote:pleasantly @#%$ up on Halloween, driving to someone's house

I sure hope you meant that you were in a car while someone else was driving...

and if that was not what you meant, lie to us

EZ_Bondori Zafiro
11-01-03, 10:27 AM
This is a pretty sad story. I hope they don't have some kind of fantasy that having a child around is going to fix their relationship problems, because most of the time it usually makes things worse.

I'm worried for the child more then I am for them. It's not fair to accept respsonsibility over another human being if you're not in an emotionally stable house and are financially secure. I think their best option would be to give it up for adoption. There are hundreds of good foster parents out there that want to adopt. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bon·do·ri
adj.
1. Deviating from what is ordinary, usual, or expected; strange or peculiar.
2. Random and unusual death to sea turtles. * *

Nenjin
11-01-03, 01:03 PM
Quote:I sure hope you meant that you were in a car while someone else was driving...

and if that was not what you meant, lie to us


Bleh, pleasantly meaning I'd had my fill and wasn't being stupid, or wasted.

Like I said, there are upteenmillion motivators for what their doing....and I can't say any of them are the right one. I expressed all my doubts to him last night, and that is all I can really do. If they choose to go through with it, all I can do is be there to support them. It just bothers me, my parents seperated when I was 7, and I don't wish that on any kid.

EZ_Andurian
11-01-03, 06:07 PM
"they've never really been about protected sex"

/smack

...Poor kid. Hello adoption.

EZ_Daton Everon
11-03-03, 12:37 PM
Financial Security is a myth. No one will ever be financially ready for children. The key is good budgeting skills. As for a happy family all that takes is parents who honestly care and can handle the stresses children can bring. It is never an easy task and WILL change your life completely. Unfortunately your friends don't seem to have the mindset needed, at least from your description. Kudos to Dorla for pointing out most of what I would say. And I must re-iterate the boozing/drugging needs to stop immediately if it has not already.

--Proud Parent of 3 wonderful girls, who have put me through an inordinate amount of stress, mostly from medical issues.

----------------
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Nenjin
11-03-03, 01:26 PM
Quote:can handle the stresses children can bring

That's one of my biggest concerns. The guy is the kind who will bitch up a blue storm and be cranky all the time, but he will always be there. His girl, well, has always been the depressive mopey kind who is rarely happy. She worries me a lot.


But, as far as the boozing/drugging goes, they've both pretty much done it in. His girl didn't drink on Halloween, banned smoking from the house, hasn't smoked cigarettes in 2 weeks, and seems like she's taking this seriously. And if she doesn't, I'll whoop her ass, verbally.

EZ_Tweil
11-03-03, 01:43 PM
One thing though...kids in one way or another will change your life. I have one and it is be far the greatest experience I have ever had. I have known guys that would be complete tools and then completely change when a little one arrives. Then again I have seen the opposite...new parents (usually male) that pull away and isolate themselves even more (my sister's husband is this way).

So who knows...maybe this is the first step in putting their lives back on track.

freonsmurf
11-03-03, 02:12 PM
Couple of positive things.
They live together.
They have an apartment(not mom's house).
They are employed.
They have stuck together thru some rocky times in the long term relationship.
They made a big mistake once with major consquences, all one can do is hope they learned from it.

As far as the TV tells me, you can never be ready to have kids.


It's only wrong if you get caught.If consequences dictate my course of action I should play GOD

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Hell

Meddik
11-03-03, 08:55 PM
And if they really aren't ready, perhaps you could suggest adoption to them.

Nenjin
11-03-03, 09:20 PM
As another friend of theirs put it to me on the phone a little while ago, what hurts worse, having it scraped before you hear it cry and you go through labor, or handing it over to an adoption agency after you've watched it sleep and heard it coo?

If they've already aborted once, chances are giving the child up in any sense is going to be a harder to decision to make than keeping it. Whether the reality of dealing with that decision holds the same.....

Meddik
11-03-03, 09:34 PM
One would hope that they might have the maturity to put the child's best interest ahead of their own personal self-interest.

Of course, as their history shows, that may not be a fair expectation.