For the jilted

[Kaielen]

Hmm...where to begin. Let me start by saying this will be a "stream of conciousness" rant, so don't look for any organization or structure.

Most of us have been there. A place in our life when we're just not sure. We live, we learn. Whether or not we learn FAST enough is the key. When is it too late? When do we realize we've allowed our regrets to get in the way of something we should have wanted all along?

There's a girl that I've known and dated for about 6 months now. She was my...rebound...so to speak.

I was engaged for 4 years. She and I bought a house together, had two cars, and a cat. We shared good times and hardships. I wanted to get married, she wanted to run off with some other guy.

Strange how that works, eh?

Anyway...when is enough enough? When do we step back, look in the mirror, and say, "I'm going to let this go."?

This experience now dictates my entire life. I think about it when I wake up in the morning, when I get into the shower for work, when I get dressed, look in the mirror and think, "What was wrong with me?", and even when I meet another woman.

This woman I have dated off and on. Do I really not love her? I know she dated someone else already since we "officially" broke up. Gave him a goodnight kiss too. Does it bother me? I'd be a stinking liar if I said no. Yet...at the same time I don't want to have to deal with her.

I'm selling my house now. I've finally succumed to the knowledge that I can't make it by myself with such a money sponge. I have nicknamed my house the Dream Eater. It seems that everything went downhill after I moved into the giant wooden, plaster, and metal bastard. I still have my cat and my convertible...but for the most part, I am alone.

I feel alone even when I'm snuggled up next to someone with whom I share the phrases "I love you" and "I love you, too" I feel alone with my friends. I feel alone when I'm with my family. Worst of all...I feel alone even when I'm doing the things I used to enjoy. An escape into a fantasy world where I'm a soldier or a rogue or a brave knight? Groovy game...but no matter what it is only a game, and I don't have the ability to escape from reality through make believe. Unfortunately I'm not 5 years old anymore.

So, the main question someone has to ask themselves is, "How do I know I'm in love?"

The answer? Damned if I know.

I've only been able to come up with one thing. You forgive. So...in paradox...if I love the one who hurt me, then I should be able to forgive her. Right? Then why can't I? Did I ever REALLY love her, or did I just really like having her around when she didn't annoy the hell out of me? Have I fallen out of love with her and allowed that "love" to be replaced with resentment and hatred?

What about this girl right now? Do I chase after her and take the risk to keep hurting her feelings by stringing her along like was once done to me, giving her a slim chance that I REALLY am in love with her? What if when I FINALLY do let this thing go...I realize that I was so blinded by resentment and regret that I missed out on the girl of my dreams.

She's not Maxim material. She'll never be in a Playboy. To be brutally honest, she'll never be in a bikini either. There's just something about her, though. Am I just being a coward? Not wanting to let go of the crutch of the rebound just so that I'm not completely alone?

Where's MY @#%$ unicorn, eh? The one I'm supposed to go all romantic and fall in love with? Is it all @#%$? Is there any woman who could ever drive this rage from my head and heart? I hate more and more every day and it is a horrible thing. I used to love feeling happy. Now all I do is smoke, drink, eat junk food, and sleep. Occassionally go out with my friends and drink some more.

Don't give me that depression @#%$, either. I don't believe in Voodoo Witchdoctor magic, and I don't think that a little magic pill will make anything all better. Maybe it's worth a try? Perhaps. Christ, it would be good to know just where in the hell to start.

Where is my white stag? The one that will lead me from these dark woods?

Does anyone ever make it out? Is it a dooming cloud that will sit over the head of every single person that has ever gone through it until the day they die?

God, I hope not.

[EZ_Talius]

Quote: feel alone even when I'm snuggled up next to someone with whom I share the phrases "I love you" and "I love you, too" I feel alone with my friends. I feel alone when I'm with my family. Worst of all...I feel alone even when I'm doing the things I used to enjoy.

You feel like Samuel Tayler Coleridge. Perhaps you're addicted to Opium?

To be true, though, you're describing some of the principal symptoms of depression. Is this just a mood your in, or all the time?

[Elerion]

Weren't you dating a gorgeous portuguese girl a week ago?


I also have trouble seeing how anyone can truly love someone they don't see as attractive at all, even through their own eyes (if he/she was beautiful once, that would probably still be the image on your mind). Oh well, I guess I might understand it one day.

[Kaielen]

Haha, I told you guys the portugese girl was dumb as a box of empty twinky wrappers.

It's just when I'm in that damned house, I always think about it. It's like a monkey on my back. I'm selling the damned thing for what I owe on it. Losing about $10,000.00 in what I COULD get out of it, but I just want it gone. I don't know if it will help or not...but I'm hoping.

Depression...I don't know. I really don't believe in all that crap. I know they've hyped it up, but they've done the same thing with ADD in children. Every kid has some form of Attention Deficit. If they didn't, they wouldn't be kids.

I told you the rant had no real direction. I'm just tired of being out and knowing that I should be wanting to at least TRY to find someone new, but then having no real interest in the chase and then screwing things up. Anger is a real problem with me lately. The ONLY reason I even went after the Portugese chick was because I was so totally pissed at my friend. After I got even with him, I lost interest.

I don't know...I guess I just wanted to vent and maybe get some input.

[EZ_Bondori Zafiro]

Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you have to go see a doctor right away to get your magical cure-all pills. Believe it or not, there are other ways to fix problems with people in America that don't involve writing a prescription. I agree with you when you think that people now-a-days are over-prescribed on medication. I think it’s becoming a growing problem.

Exercise is one of the BEST and EASIEST ways to defeat depression, or more importantly, the way you feel right now about life in general. Whenever I break up with a girlfriend or something bad happens to me I always lose weight because I start hitting the gym and swimming more. It relieves stress, pressure, and any kind of bad feeling that would occur as an aftereffect from the RL problem.

My suggestion? Start a morning jog routine. If you haven't been hitting the streets for awhile, start off slow, or else the pain from over-exerting yourself will make things worse. If you have already been working out regularly, try something different and start monitoring your progress and pushing yourself to your own goals.

I've found another fun one is boxing against a punching bag. Even if it's not to relieve stress, you always feel so great after giving that thing a good wack .
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Bon·do·ri
adj.
1. Deviating from what is ordinary, usual, or expected; strange or peculiar.
2. Random and unusual death to sea turtles. * *

[Kaielen]

Bon...that is a helluva idea. That's a good bit of advice I think I'm going to try.

I even had a friend ask me a couple of times now to diet and workout with him. The only problem is that I smoke and drink now. I guess the first time I collapse and puke up a lung will take care of my smoking habit, though.

On a side note, I think this rant has scared some people.

Kaielen's about to go off the deep end!

[EZ_Bondori Zafiro]

Even if you're a smoker and drinker, starting working out is gunna be hard if you haven't done it for awhile. And awhile can be as little as three months.

When I took the summer off from my morning swims for vacation and started up again in September, the first day I blew chunks in the bathroom of the YMCA just because my body wasnt used to it. It took a couple days and I got back into routine though. And I dont smoke or drink :P.

Just make sure to record your weight and time and other things, seeing progress is one of the key elements to feeling better ;D

As for diet, there is no better way to go then Atkins, viva la revolution! Edited by: Bondori Zafiro at: 11/13/03 12:03 pm

[Kaielen]

Errr...everything in that post jived with me except the atkin's thing.

A hamburger with no bun? BLECH!

[EZ_Talius]

Quote:Depression...I don't know. I really don't believe in all that crap. I know they've hyped it up, but they've done the same thing with ADD in children. Every kid has some form of Attention Deficit. If they didn't, they wouldn't be kids.

Since you're not in a good mood, I won't get into this with you... too much

Depression is real. It has gotten a lot more press lately because of prominent figures in TV and Movies making it into a big deal. To say it's not real is to do a huge injustice to some of the people I've seen who's lives have been totally destroyed by it

ADD is real, albiet still recovering from an age of overclassification. It doesn't help when the best available treatment for calming down over active kids works on non-over active kids and adults as well.

The reason I even brought up depression is that, especially in the internet world, it's hard to tell. You have to either have extreme symptoms for a short period of time (ala, two weeks straight without remission) or milder symptoms for a period of 6 weeks straight.

In all liklihood, you ain't clinically depressed you're just in a bad mood. Never hurts to check though.

[EZ_pulid]

Go South Beach diet. It's impossible to go strictly no-carbs, especially over a long period of time. A diet should help reshape what you eat, not try to throw pounds off quickly.

[EZ_Kinare]

I dunno... I just started working out last week at a club... I feel TONS better... and as far as diets go.. I never had a problemwith what i ate when i was excercising. I never had a desire for the fatty foods while excercising. No idea why.

I feel great. I was so depressed before, because I used to be this JV cross country skiier, and a varsity nationally-ranked softball pitcher, but then i got muscular dystropy... I am so weak now, cant even bench 10 lbs... But i am trying. You have to start somewhere. And I feel better...


4 glasses of kendall jackson chardonnay help too

[Dragynphyre]

A modified diabetic's diet is also good (I say modified, because those of us without diabetes can have a little bit of sucrose now and again without having too much bad effect) for losing and maintaining weight.

www.diabetes.org/health/n...ealthy.jsp

As for the mild depression, everyone gets depressed now and again, it's normal, especially when there's a lot of changes for the worse going on in one's life. Just try not to dwell on the negative, find something positive in everything... (Back In Black)
Delissandra Splitshadow - Veteran Deceiver of the Circle of Unseen Hands
Grandmaster Poisoner (250), Master Potter (191), Grandmaster Lush (200)

[Kaielen]

Positive...

Well...I can sure as hell rant a lot better when everything pisses me off!

Seriously, though. I just don't like being mopey all of the time. I might as well shave one side of my head, dye my hair black, pierce a whole bunch of @#%$ into my face with eyeliner and black lipstick, and buy a long black trench coat.

[freonsmurf]

Quote:I might as well shave one side of my head, dye my hair black, pierce a whole bunch of @#%$ into my face with eyeliner and black lipstick, and buy a long black trench coat.

whats wrong with that?

When you dig my grave, make it shallow so that I can feel the rain

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Hell



Edited by: Gyorg at: 11/19/03 4:20 pm

[Kaielen]

Because me going goth would be like Yanni going grunge.

[EZ_Talius]

Strange but slightly erotic?

ooooooooooooh ya!

[Kaielen]

That thought frightens me.

[EZ_Xanyia]

Quote:I feel alone even when I'm snuggled up next to someone with whom I share the phrases "I love you" and "I love you, too"

Ouch, why do that to yourself or somebody else? Looks like neither of you gonna be happy about that, why don't you just tell her I like you?

I know you must be feeling lonely but I'd try not to get too involved with this girl or give too many illusions, it sounds like she isn't what you hope for and you might really regret it, when you broke her heart and are still feeling just as lonely as you were before.

Have fun, take care of yourself, spend time with friends and family, get laid too, that's good for you, but no need to fake love, you can't give love the way you feel now, and love don't come easy.

It's been two months since a girl he met in EQ who is half his age moved in with my husband. When I will feel better and date again, if somebody will say I love you to me, he better @#%$ mean it. Because if I don't mean it he sure as hell won't hear that from me.

I already wasted six years of my life with somebody who can't tell his **** from his heart and lies about his feelings just not to have to be alone. I don't wanna walk that road again, or make somebody walk it for me.