Kaielen
12-09-03, 04:32 AM
I started to go off on it in a traditional style...but I'm going to try something odd and keep the rage out of it, so...
WELCOME TO THE MAX PAYNE DIOLOGUE VISUALTEQUE!
Video games. They are at the heart of what we call "entertainment". They make coming home and sitting down something different when compared to the usual patterns of lieing on the couch and letting an endless wave of digital make believe turn our brains into a prehistoric goo.
Sometimes a great one comes out. One that makes us stop and stare in awe. One that breaks the conventionality of the daily grind and doesn't fade away in a New York minute. Max Payne. That's right. The very name makes us think of bullet time and a raspy voice speaking in cliches' wrapped in riddles that when broken down have absolutely no freaking meaning whatsoever.
Sequels. Like a bad sitcom spinoff they fester like a thorn in our trigger button thumb, making every action in our world a sharp pain that keeps us from being able to immerse ourselves in the world of our choosing, making the incessant static glare of the television stand out as if it were a rogue lighthouse, guiding hapless ships into a rocky grave at the bottom of the cold channel.
Flashbacks, Flashforwards, maybe even a Flashsideways, the sequel has bad dialogue, and a cheap imitation of the original sarcastic, hopeless, sleep deprived madman voice that greeted every new level. A feature added to save in the middle of a game, making victory over a horde of grenade tossing cleaning people cheap and petty, like getting your wife drunk before bedtime.
An attempt at the old hopeless feeling that misses and lands somewhere that gives us a feeling of utter contempt for the hero, instead of a feeling of pity and remorse, almost like you'd feel if you'd heard instead that the Little Engine that Could had derailed a zoo car full of baby seals so that he could make it those last few inches that he thought he could.
With a loading time at least 4 times every level, and two more added if you decide to skip the cheesy, poorly done and oft neglected comic strip storylines. Like a cheesy hentai there is a half done love scene between Max and a supposedly deceased heroin, leaving the reader with the feeling that he has just read a romance novel with every other page torn out. With the overuse of swear words and innuendos, the storyline gives the feeling that it was written by a Chicago hooker that forgot to turn on her red light.
Of one review I heard that the game will grow on you. Grow on you like a disease or tumor, slowly sucking your body of life. Stealing away like some half hidden demon on the verge of the shadows, only revealing itself when the time comes to end your misery so that you may burn in hell for all eternity.
Other than that the game wasn't bad!
P.S. Anyone who has played Max Payne (I hope) will understand the underlying joke in the way I wrote this rant. Yeah, it's cheesy, but so is Max Payne 2. Is anyone else as pissed off as me?
WELCOME TO THE MAX PAYNE DIOLOGUE VISUALTEQUE!
Video games. They are at the heart of what we call "entertainment". They make coming home and sitting down something different when compared to the usual patterns of lieing on the couch and letting an endless wave of digital make believe turn our brains into a prehistoric goo.
Sometimes a great one comes out. One that makes us stop and stare in awe. One that breaks the conventionality of the daily grind and doesn't fade away in a New York minute. Max Payne. That's right. The very name makes us think of bullet time and a raspy voice speaking in cliches' wrapped in riddles that when broken down have absolutely no freaking meaning whatsoever.
Sequels. Like a bad sitcom spinoff they fester like a thorn in our trigger button thumb, making every action in our world a sharp pain that keeps us from being able to immerse ourselves in the world of our choosing, making the incessant static glare of the television stand out as if it were a rogue lighthouse, guiding hapless ships into a rocky grave at the bottom of the cold channel.
Flashbacks, Flashforwards, maybe even a Flashsideways, the sequel has bad dialogue, and a cheap imitation of the original sarcastic, hopeless, sleep deprived madman voice that greeted every new level. A feature added to save in the middle of a game, making victory over a horde of grenade tossing cleaning people cheap and petty, like getting your wife drunk before bedtime.
An attempt at the old hopeless feeling that misses and lands somewhere that gives us a feeling of utter contempt for the hero, instead of a feeling of pity and remorse, almost like you'd feel if you'd heard instead that the Little Engine that Could had derailed a zoo car full of baby seals so that he could make it those last few inches that he thought he could.
With a loading time at least 4 times every level, and two more added if you decide to skip the cheesy, poorly done and oft neglected comic strip storylines. Like a cheesy hentai there is a half done love scene between Max and a supposedly deceased heroin, leaving the reader with the feeling that he has just read a romance novel with every other page torn out. With the overuse of swear words and innuendos, the storyline gives the feeling that it was written by a Chicago hooker that forgot to turn on her red light.
Of one review I heard that the game will grow on you. Grow on you like a disease or tumor, slowly sucking your body of life. Stealing away like some half hidden demon on the verge of the shadows, only revealing itself when the time comes to end your misery so that you may burn in hell for all eternity.
Other than that the game wasn't bad!
P.S. Anyone who has played Max Payne (I hope) will understand the underlying joke in the way I wrote this rant. Yeah, it's cheesy, but so is Max Payne 2. Is anyone else as pissed off as me?