Hey, This is an extremely early rough draft, I just finished it about ten minutes ago, so I would like all the input I could get. I warn you, it may be offensive to some readers but I hope you keep an open mind and reply for me. Thanks
Please God, Send me a message.
Show me your power, your wealth and your glory. Tell me I have something to look forward to. Give me a sign that I am better than simply the sum of my parts, because they donít add up to very much right about now. Prove to me that this pain is a worthy payment for whatever it is you can give to me. Iím just so tired, I feel all stretched out inside.
I lay here like an invalid, scrolling the channels on my 40 inch techno-color television. Crackling sheets underneath me and my life lay out like Iím some @#%$ sob story on Riviera. Is this what I am worth to you? A pity case that comes crawling to your feet? Well Iím here now and this better not be an empty house. Like some slimy slum landlord, you seem content to suck everything you can out of me and you got me baby, Iím drained. I got nothing left for you.
But you know Iím hooked now, got nothing left to hope for, you made sure of that. Yea, I may have twenty four hour service from your ignorant little children trying to make me feel better, but howís that supposed to help me? Fact is, ainít nobody gonna help me but you, God. Lotta good that has done me so far.
Now they got me hooked up to all these machines, I canít even go to the damned bathroom on my own. I fumble for the little remote thingy and by the time I get some help Iíve damn near pissed my pants and Iím bawlin like a baby. Just exactly how do You know how Iím feeling right now? All knowing, all good, all perfect. When have you been in my situation? The Chaplain still comes runnin around tryin to save my ungodly soul. I swear, God, Iím gonna whip that damn chalice of his against the wall like he ainít never seen before. Weíll see what he says to that!
You know Iím bein honest with you cuz frankly thatís just about all I got left. Iím too ashamed to see my poor little kids that are payin for all this. Just makes me want to rip all these tubes and needles outa me so I can hobble down to the smoking room for a cigarette. Doctor says I should quit, hah! Says itís bad for my health. Yea no better than the drugs theyíre pumpin into me at a hundred dollars a milliliter. What about the rest of my family? My friends even? My poor old friends sure make it look like they know whatís goin on. Say they gonna follow me to the grave and hand me up to you. But Iím down here, too far down for you to hear me surely.
Guaranteed before Iím actually in my old six foot box of wood, they gonna turn their heads and make their way back to health and happiness, and I canít blame em really. But the worldís an evil, nasty place full of stuff that would make me shudder even in my present condition. And all I got to blame is you, Lord. You can change it for me, for us. You can fix all the mistakes you made before, and fix em right this time or I swear Iíll bring holy hell up there after you.
If I just didnít have this disease in me. If I didnít feel like puking every morning and so damn tired all the time, Iíd be content. You see, Iím a leper. Cast out even from your table! This infection is just eatin at me and nothing I can do can stop it. Itís just tearing me up inside for your damned sadistic pleasure. Doctor says I still got six months, easy. Not quite sure if I should be happy about that or pounding against my bed rails in agony.
They still got me stuck up in this place like a toddler. A silly child that canít take care of herself anymore! Was this your plan for me? Havin somebody check in on me every hour so I donít fall out of my bed and end up bleeding all over their freshly waxed floors? Wouldnít wanna mess up the janitorís routine now would we, Lord. Hell, I might even get lucky and end up crackin my head against the wall, wouldnít that be a sight to see! Hah, six months, Iíll show that arrogant beady eyed little weasel.
That damned TV is just makin a racket now, my piss poor roommate donít even have the decency to turn it down low when Iím writing. You see the world I live in? I see it all too well here. We got the accident victims, the damn idiots that got themselves shot, and we got a bunch of victims just like me. You see the god damn stink of it all? The whole world reeks of it! I ainít no damned victim to you or anybody. Iíll fight till there ainít a breath in me and be damned sure Iíll do the same up there with you.
Gets to the point where I damn near wretch in my bedpan just thinking about it, and whereís your almighty power now, God? When am I gonna stop feelin them poke and prod in my veins until I got a damn black and blue mark the whole way up my arms? When is it all gonna end? Know what, Iím tired of waiting on your ass, gonna have to get it done myself.
Iím so sick of these stupid bed rails, and these dresses they put me in! Got me damn near naked in plain daylight. My damn roommate is makin a big ol fuss now that I got up out of my bed. ďHey, quiet down over there you little drugged up grandpa, mind your own business. Just goin for a walk is all.Ē Startin to make my way down the hallway now, you should see the look on the nurses faces! Like cows, too stupid to move an inch. Whew! Was a long walk up to the elevator but least things are getting done. Better than waitin on you to patch me up. Itís time to get out of this place and start living again. Maybe Iíll go visit my kids again..See how they doin. I go down through the building now, never saw it so bright out before!
Hey, taxi! God damn it, Taxi! Take me home, son.